It’s been a while since it rained and the cold wind brushed against my skin. I want to enjoy the feeling, but an overwhelming feeling of fear and dread looms above me.
Life has been anything but dull and fearful however. Full of opportunities and people ready to help.
And yet here I am.
Loitering in a limbo of my own making, unable to escape, unable to push forward… Because I can’t even tell which way is forward anymore. Glimpses of the light at the end of the cave flash in the mind now and then, but that’s about it. I’ve never really come to fully realize them. I don’t know if I ever will.
I still don’t know what I fight for. In this abyss where only I belong. The life I have should be cherished and taken advantage of. To do something in the world that would benefit everyone. And yet here I lie, dreading tomorrow. Surrounding in a darkness that only engulfs me. And even the light of the sun seems bleak, and has little power to remove it. It’s the same story with the minds around me. They are but specs of dust in my void of nothingness.
I wish I knew how to deal with this. How to wake up early. How to work and concentrate. How to not disappoint myself, and others who rely on me. How to escape this weight I carry on my back and grow stronger.
This frustration won’t leave me and it doesn’t help. I’m always worrying instead of working to deal with my problems. I’m always lost looking for a way to deal with the monsters I face every night.
I woke up to these November rain with a nightmare that made my stomach turn. An unpleasant beginning to a beautiful day. Something that I should be accustomed to at this point.
I don’t know why I write. Maybe it’s a cry for help. Maybe someone will read it one day and perhaps understand what I’m going through.
I wish I knew what to do with this darkness I carry in me. It drags me down with it to a place I don’t want to call home, and yet that’s where I spend most of my days today. Looking everyday for a way to escape and then crumbling back to where I stand, and giving up.
The lights go dimmer everyday. And my will diminishes every night. The darkness comes to feed in me and I comply. For what will I do that will fend it off? It just comes back for me in different faces, in different forms.
Maybe I’m not meant to be saved. And that there’s a point to all this that I am unaware of.
I wish I knew if that was the case. I could at least stop trying.