Erratic Scribbles

Why am I stuck in time

It’s been days, months and years since I can remember the worse days of my life. And yet they won’t leave my side. Memories haunt me as if they’re on a mission to achieve something. The feelings of dread won’t die down even though I am expecting nothing to come out of the shadows.

I know I have to be strong but what do I do when I’m crumbling from the inside.

It feels like my body has moved forward in time, toughened up, able to dissuade anyone from thinking I’m frail. It swells with confidence for it’s ability to stand up on it’s own two feet.

Yet my mind shrivels at the very thought of the memories that hound me. Like my mind is stuck in the past while my body has moved forward in time.

What is it that keeps me tied down. And why does my yearning to move forward not overcome it.

I romanticize my life but it’s like a demon living inside. A brief few seconds of agony that kill any joy that blooms in me. The rest of the day is a grey that goes past away like falling leaves in December.

Why am I stuck in time, when I want to leap forward the line. I want to kill what’s holding me back. Yet I can’t turn to face it, for fear of it’s wrath. Why can’t my anger kill it when it and I want to. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do.

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Erratic Scribbles

Silence

If you’ve influence, then you’ve power. We live in a world where anyone can change the things around them, even if a little, by just existing and contributing. A lot of us think of the future or the past, but few of us really care about what is happening as of right now. Not about our lives; but the life that surrounds us; and the power to change it. The buildings, insects, animals, fields of grass, everything that surrounds us. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you can change what surrounds you, even if a little bit, but you can do it. This ability to change things, is what is to an extent, is meant by the word ‘influence’, and yet, so few of us really use it to it’s fullest extent. Even I’m guilty of making the same mistake myself.

But what is it that we do with this power when we do use it? Their lies the bigger question. Life is uncanny and undistinguishable, but yet so familiar and something that feels normal. However, very few of us have reasons to believe that we can change our surroundings, as much as perhaps the richest person of the planet, yet that’s not entirely true. Yes, the rich hold more power; not because they’ve money, but because people listen to them. People also listen to the passionate, the musicians, the artists, the scientists, and the world. More than anything, people believe the world. What the world echos, is the norm and there’s no reason to think outside the norm, because…? I can’t find an answer to this question, because I’ve never come across one. I’ve always been told that somethings are “impossible” and yet the more I think about it, they’re not. Not entirely. Humanity has at many times showed nature creative solutions to the problems it poses us, yet individually, we are all broken, unbelieving in ourselves. And more importantly, unbelieving in our power. The power to change the world around us to whatever extent we can. And collectively, there has been no bigger power in the known universe.

I share a lot of things in the social media platforms I’m in. I’ve always had the thought that if I can change, even one person’s mind, with facts and evidence, then I’ve made the world a little better place. And in the same nature, I’ve always hounded for just the unknown, to know as many things as I can. It’s no wonder then that I grew a lust to change the world, even if by a little, but everyday none the less. Growing up, I never believed I could’ve achieved anything, regardless of how I hard I tried. Not because I didn’t try, I did give it my all whenever I could, but I couldn’t at most times; and I didn’t know why. I’ve always thought of myself as a little more aware of the world than most people, but there was this weight on my mind that somehow held me back; I blamed it on myself. I was just being lazy. In 2015, I got diagnosed with ADHD. Things made much more sense, but I was still lazy. The lazy part didn’t change.

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I believe I could’ve done a lot more when I was young, the problem wasn’t that I wasn’t aware of ADHD, it was that I blamed myself for who I was. And to an extent, that part of me never left. But in 2015, another thing happened. I pitied myself for the first time for having a mental illness. Just 5 mins later, I thought that was just fucking stupid. Was it the last straw that I had in life? Probably not. I’ve had too many incidents that I can remember that made me go through hell. This incident wasn’t anywhere close to the things I remember. But it was stupid enough to make me think about what is it that I had the power over, if not over myself, to do the things I love; and if not the world around me, then what?

I had always believed that one person was all it took to change the world, and I always wanted to be that person. We all do really. But so few of us realize that we can change the world, a little bit, with all our actions and decisions. I realized, what held me back was my definition of myself, rather than my characteristics.

So many of us in this place, could do good, but so few of us try thinking that our efforts aren’t worth it. From littering to just not bothering, and being silent; all of us are guilty of not trying in one way or another, even me. I live in a country where seeing a beggar is a common sight, seeing a sleeping kid with tattered clothes in a train station with a dog, is a common sight. It’s become common, to the point that I don’t care; not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t believe that I can change their life even a little bit. But so many have already proved us wrong on that part. Even people who perhaps, started with less power than what we have with us right now.

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Our decisions, to change the world around us, give us more power. But what comes with that power, is not responsibility, but whatever we define it to be. And however we define ourselves, gives us the power that is required of us to change ourselves. Some believe the power comes to them because they’re better than others, others believe power comes to those who are worthy of it, by perhaps birth or their status in society. But no one can come after you, not when you’ve power. Power recedes responsibility. It gives us the ability to jump over the fence. Yet, the strongest of us choose to stay and pick up the responsibilities of our choosing, not because we are required to, but because we believe we need to.

We all have the influence to change things around us really. And we all have power. Some have it more than others, but we all have it none the less. What we do with that power, again, lie upon ourselves. How we grow ourselves, with the decisions we make, and sculpt the world around us. It all rests on us. And all of us can do it, yet so few of us believe we can.

Perhaps the biggest bane of humanity is that it doesn’t believe in itself and it’s ability to change what surrounds it. What surrounds an individual.

We all have influence. And we all have the power to change the lives that surround us, along with the life that is inside us. It however, falls on us to realize that and work upon it. The journey we take in this world, and the things we influence while walking towards our death are perhaps the most profound stories of art that the universe can create. We should not let it go to waste. Not because people expect more from us, but because we should expect more of our own selves.

 

Erratic Scribbles

The power of words.

Words have a way of having different meanings to different people. A peaceful sleep might mean something to a soldier and another thing entirely to someone who’s in a safe haven surrounded by family and friends, but is fighting a different battle altogether in his/her head. It falls on us to give meaning and power to the words we speak and the ones that are spoken to us. But when do words have more power than us, have the ability to shut us down; it’s not uncommon.

I’ve long heard the saying that life has a way of teaching us with failures. What are failures however, are up to us to decide. A thief’s career might not be his failure but would things change if he saw it as one?

What is a peaceful night’s sleep I wonder. Everyday comparisons aside; I still don’t have meaning to what my words mean. Good, bad, what do you call it when there’s no feeling attached to anything anymore.

Poetry

Rebuilt With Fire

Why is it that I can’t move,
Nor can I stay in one place.
It’s like life has forgiven me,
And yet has strangled me.

The ambitions, dreams, motivations,
They matter little to me.
Unlike before;
They no longer drive me

Poetry feels like penance
For crimes never committed.
Unless unfulfilled dreams,
Were crimes for me to see.

It’s as if light has averted me;
Dwelling in darkness is all I see.
For little has perhaps changed,
Discounting the hope that has forgone me.

Like a broken glass vase,
Rebuilt with the ire of fire.
What has life become for me.
What has life become of me.