Late November Rains

It’s been a while since it rained and the cold wind brushed against my skin. I want to enjoy the feeling, but an overwhelming feeling of fear and dread looms above me.

Life has been anything but dull and fearful however. Full of opportunities and people ready to help.

And yet here I am.

Loitering in a limbo of my own making, unable to escape, unable to push forward… Because I can’t even tell which way is forward anymore. Glimpses of the light at the end of the cave flash in the mind now and then, but that’s about it. I’ve never really come to fully realize them. I don’t know if I ever will.

I still don’t know what I fight for. In this abyss where only I belong. The life I have should be cherished and taken advantage of. To do something in the world that would benefit everyone. And yet here I lie, dreading tomorrow. Surrounding in a darkness that only engulfs me. And even the light of the sun seems bleak, and has little power to remove it. It’s the same story with the minds around me. They are but specs of dust in my void of nothingness.

I wish I knew how to deal with this. How to wake up early. How to work and concentrate. How to not disappoint myself, and others who rely on me. How to escape this weight I carry on my back and grow stronger.

This frustration won’t leave me and it doesn’t help. I’m always worrying instead of working to deal with my problems. I’m always lost looking for a way to deal with the monsters I face every night.

I woke up to these November rain with a nightmare that made my stomach turn. An unpleasant beginning to a beautiful day. Something that I should be accustomed to at this point.

I don’t know why I write. Maybe it’s a cry for help. Maybe someone will read it one day and perhaps understand what I’m going through.

I wish I knew what to do with this darkness I carry in me. It drags me down with it to a place I don’t want to call home, and yet that’s where I spend most of my days today. Looking everyday for a way to escape and then crumbling back to where I stand, and giving up.

The lights go dimmer everyday. And my will diminishes every night. The darkness comes to feed in me and I comply. For what will I do that will fend it off? It just comes back for me in different faces, in different forms.

Maybe I’m not meant to be saved. And that there’s a point to all this that I am unaware of.

I wish I knew if that was the case. I could at least stop trying.

Why am I stuck in time

It’s been days, months and years since I can remember the worse days of my life. And yet they won’t leave my side. Memories haunt me as if they’re on a mission to achieve something. The feelings of dread won’t die down even though I am expecting nothing to come out of the shadows.

I know I have to be strong but what do I do when I’m crumbling from the inside.

It feels like my body has moved forward in time, toughened up, able to dissuade anyone from thinking I’m frail. It swells with confidence for it’s ability to stand up on it’s own two feet.

Yet my mind shrivels at the very thought of the memories that hound me. Like my mind is stuck in the past while my body has moved forward in time.

What is it that keeps me tied down. And why does my yearning to move forward not overcome it.

I romanticize my life but it’s like a demon living inside. A brief few seconds of agony that kill any joy that blooms in me. The rest of the day is a grey that goes past away like falling leaves in December.

Why am I stuck in time, when I want to leap forward the line. I want to kill what’s holding me back. Yet I can’t turn to face it, for fear of it’s wrath. Why can’t my anger kill it when it and I want to. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do. What do I do.

Silence

If you’ve influence, then you’ve power. We live in a world where anyone can change the things around them, even if a little, by just existing and contributing. A lot of us think of the future or the past, but few of us really care about what is happening as of right now. Not about our lives; but the life that surrounds us; and the power to change it. The buildings, insects, animals, fields of grass, everything that surrounds us. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you can change what surrounds you, even if a little bit, but you can do it. This ability to change things, is what is to an extent, is meant by the word ‘influence’, and yet, so few of us really use it to it’s fullest extent. Even I’m guilty of making the same mistake myself.

But what is it that we do with this power when we do use it? Their lies the bigger question. Life is uncanny and undistinguishable, but yet so familiar and something that feels normal. However, very few of us have reasons to believe that we can change our surroundings, as much as perhaps the richest person of the planet, yet that’s not entirely true. Yes, the rich hold more power; not because they’ve money, but because people listen to them. People also listen to the passionate, the musicians, the artists, the scientists, and the world. More than anything, people believe the world. What the world echos, is the norm and there’s no reason to think outside the norm, because…? I can’t find an answer to this question, because I’ve never come across one. I’ve always been told that somethings are “impossible” and yet the more I think about it, they’re not. Not entirely. Humanity has at many times showed nature creative solutions to the problems it poses us, yet individually, we are all broken, unbelieving in ourselves. And more importantly, unbelieving in our power. The power to change the world around us to whatever extent we can. And collectively, there has been no bigger power in the known universe.

I share a lot of things in the social media platforms I’m in. I’ve always had the thought that if I can change, even one person’s mind, with facts and evidence, then I’ve made the world a little better place. And in the same nature, I’ve always hounded for just the unknown, to know as many things as I can. It’s no wonder then that I grew a lust to change the world, even if by a little, but everyday none the less. Growing up, I never believed I could’ve achieved anything, regardless of how I hard I tried. Not because I didn’t try, I did give it my all whenever I could, but I couldn’t at most times; and I didn’t know why. I’ve always thought of myself as a little more aware of the world than most people, but there was this weight on my mind that somehow held me back; I blamed it on myself. I was just being lazy. In 2015, I got diagnosed with ADHD. Things made much more sense, but I was still lazy. The lazy part didn’t change.

I believe I could’ve done a lot more when I was young, the problem wasn’t that I wasn’t aware of ADHD, it was that I blamed myself for who I was. And to an extent, that part of me never left. But in 2015, another thing happened. I pitied myself for the first time for having a mental illness. Just 5 mins later, I thought that was just fucking stupid. Was it the last straw that I had in life? Probably not. I’ve had too many incidents that I can remember that made me go through hell. This incident wasn’t anywhere close to the things I remember. But it was stupid enough to make me think about what is it that I had the power over, if not over myself, to do the things I love; and if not the world around me, then what?

I had always believed that one person was all it took to change the world, and I always wanted to be that person. We all do really. But so few of us realize that we can change the world, a little bit, with all our actions and decisions. I realized, what held me back was my definition of myself, rather than my characteristics.

So many of us in this place, could do good, but so few of us try thinking that our efforts aren’t worth it. From littering to just not bothering, and being silent; all of us are guilty of not trying in one way or another, even me. I live in a country where seeing a beggar is a common sight, seeing a sleeping kid with tattered clothes in a train station with a dog, is a common sight. It’s become common, to the point that I don’t care; not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t believe that I can change their life even a little bit. But so many have already proved us wrong on that part. Even people who perhaps, started with less power than what we have with us right now.

Our decisions, to change the world around us, give us more power. But what comes with that power, is not responsibility, but whatever we define it to be. And however we define ourselves, gives us the power that is required of us to change ourselves. Some believe the power comes to them because they’re better than others, others believe power comes to those who are worthy of it, by perhaps birth or their status in society. But no one can come after you, not when you’ve power. Power recedes responsibility. It gives us the ability to jump over the fence. Yet, the strongest of us choose to stay and pick up the responsibilities of our choosing, not because we are required to, but because we believe we need to.

We all have the influence to change things around us really. And we all have power. Some have it more than others, but we all have it none the less. What we do with that power, again, lie upon ourselves. How we grow ourselves, with the decisions we make, and sculpt the world around us. It all rests on us. And all of us can do it, yet so few of us believe we can.

Perhaps the biggest bane of humanity is that it doesn’t believe in itself and it’s ability to change what surrounds it. What surrounds an individual.

We all have influence. And we all have the power to change the lives that surround us, along with the life that is inside us. It however, falls on us to realize that and work upon it. The journey we take in this world, and the things we influence while walking towards our death are perhaps the most profound stories of art that the universe can create. We should not let it go to waste. Not because people expect more from us, but because we should expect more of our own selves.

 

The power of words.

Words have a way of having different meanings to different people. A peaceful sleep might mean something to a soldier and another thing entirely to someone who’s in a safe haven surrounded by family and friends, but is fighting a different battle altogether in his/her head. It falls on us to give meaning and power to the words we speak and the ones that are spoken to us. But when do words have more power than us, have the ability to shut us down; it’s not uncommon.

I’ve long heard the saying that life has a way of teaching us with failures. What are failures however, are up to us to decide. A thief’s career might not be his failure but would things change if he saw it as one?

What is a peaceful night’s sleep I wonder. Everyday comparisons aside; I still don’t have meaning to what my words mean. Good, bad, what do you call it when there’s no feeling attached to anything anymore.

Does it Matter?

For the longest time, I’ve never really appreciated the celebration of the day I was born. I still don’t. I say for the longest time because I remember a time when I did. When the years seem to go by fast, eagerly waiting for Birthday gifts and just the idea of Christmas. When it felt like it would snow any day in winter, it just needed to be slightly colder than it was the other day. And rain seemed like something of a wonder. The lightning strikes and the wind felt surreal in a world already so confusing to make sense, with it’s dawns and dusks.

Life seemed like worth celebrating. Perhaps that’s what I was doing in my birthdays back then. Perhaps I was just waiting for the gifts. The latter would probably seem more accurate. Today, I do not want gifts, and celebration of life seems a little meaningless every passing day. It’s not that I do not value life, quite the opposite really. But every year, it’s no more than a reminder of my own mortality and limitations to not be able to do the things I want to. To not be able to achieve what I really want. To not have the power to change my present.

Patience. That’s what I hear myself saying.

And yet, that’s exactly what takes away any reason to celebrate. Every solution seems to add more problems. Life, as it grows, seems to just get more complicated. All I know is that I know so little, that I’ve little to affect the world with.

Be Better.

Know more.

But what do I chase. Every passing year, it’s just a reminder of the hollowness of the dreams I create for myself. Every year, it’s a showcase to myself of the burdens I make myself carry.

Tim Burton’s drawing seems apt in this piece. Source – https://www.pinterest.com/pin/186406872051158846/

Am I to give my own life meaning, or is it to come by itself. I do not run for a higher purpose, I do not need one. The world and the universe we live in, is fascinating on it’s own. But why is it that I can’t celebrate? Why does the world look bleak even in my brightest day, what is it that’s holding me back that I can’t break away from. Like a grey curtain over my eyes, it dims any light that comes in.

I’ve had my dance with death and I’ve left it standing, but life has done the same with me and I’m wondering who’ll be in the right by the end of this ordeal.  Standing here, everything looks so distant. Even time. Who knows how long it’s been now. I know when I came to be. But when did I become like this. And maybe… I’m scared of what I’ll end up becoming.

Empty Salvation

Perhaps, maybe his salvation lay in the chaos of many things and possibilities, instead of just one. Every day he woke to search the answers that might rest his soul, with a weight on his back that had no form and was invisible to all but him. Or so he liked to think.

Life was never the same after that one day when he decided to kill the monster he deemed was holding him back. As the growls grew silent, his apathy showed through his pale face. His restless eyes became dim with darkness and a blank stare looked right through what was in-front of him. The least of what was killed that night was the monster, and in the bloodbath, another monster grew in it’s place.

One for the other, he imagined. It was better than nothing cause at least the new one he could train, perhaps even subdue. Even he knew he was lying, even though he wanted to believe it he knew. Life was cruel to give him a voice that told him right from wrong at an early age. But he would rarely comprehend why something was like it was, why something was right even if fit may appear wrong, or why, even in the chaos of all things, it all fit.

He knew life was temporary. Once, he welcomed that thought hesitantly, keeping it out the door and asking to knock before it’s time. Today, that was no longer the case.

Perhaps, maybe, his thoughts would etch themselves on stone and amber, to deliver what he wanted to say. Perhaps he would be understood thousands of years later or in a time when it’s irrelevant, but he wanted to try. Of all things he was scared of, it was his brief time in the world that let him know that he was alone. His ability to see how big everything was and the ambition to drive things even further, it lead him to a life where he thought he could do more but achieves little. In the pursuit of understanding the world, he forgot to build himself up in a way where he would be understood.

Maybe none of it mattered. Maybe it’s all just ramblings on paper. Paper that don’t even exist.

There was however, always a chance for things to be miraculous. And that he knew, so he strewn the world with his ramblings in places where one day, with a thousand generations gone, perhaps he would know whether he was right to chase after his life, after what he thought was his soul.

Determination.

He was a fundamentally broken person. Nothing seemed to faze him. Not the darkness the world had or the passing beauty it seemed to posses.

He seemed like a tree, still and flowing with the wind. But yet, unlike a tree, he seemed to not embrace what was around him. He didn’t even reject it. He just stood still, right there, within all the chaos that surrounded him, unfazed and undeterred, continuing his existence like a symbol of an empty canvas.

As his shell stood there, his soul un-captivated, drifted asunder around him with the wind. With songs, wild emotions, darkness and light, it mixed in the air around him, creating an aura of awe that never really quite fell on the perspective of those around him. A silent scream lit up the world that he lived in, the void around him engulf with black fire, killing everything his vision laid eyes upon. Yet, in the real world, no one noticed him.

He stopped leaning towards the wall and lifted himself up. “Proper posture” he said as he put the cigarette within his lips, a habit more than an addiction. Unconcerned with the consequences of what lay ahead, he moved on, a mountain dragging behind him. Amidst the crowd he walked, with flames rife around him, burning, eating whatever the world had to offer. Chains clanked as he put on his headphones, oblivious to him, he dragged his feet with the mountain that followed him. “Dig down”, he repeated to himself, as the music started and the lyrics were spoken.

 

His goal, seemed alien. Not the will to survive, not greed, not ambition, not greatness. He sought change. The void in his eyes seemed to give him life, the same life it seemed to take away. The eerie semblance to the darkness he had inside of him gave way to a vision of the future. Not that of prediction, but that of the ability to change what he saw.

And so he dragged on forward, amidst the crowd, willingly within the chaos of the world, unmoved, unfaltered, and uninterested.

The Daily Social Intercourse

Don’t we all wish to be the dark mysterious stranger and to perhaps one day, be awed at rather than the one doing the act. It is, perhaps these selfish desires, simple things in life, of wanting to be wearing another’s shoes, that help us mistake a human for a mythical being.

There’s little effort for some people when it comes to communication, but for others it can be a nightmare. The life of a mysterious stranger might as well be hell for the simple reason that he doesn’t know how to talk, to conduct basic communication, which is perhaps why he’s so mysterious.

The daily work a person puts into connecting with another person verbally or otherwise, is generally unaccounted for. For some, it can be hard to even comprehend, while for others, it comes as naturally as leaves to a tree. But poets who can’t rhyme, deserve no qualms in this world. And that is perhaps where, the ones who do know the truth of the world, go wrong.

Source: pinterest.com/pin/288230444875929894

People, more than anything else, are what shape us to be who we are. And later, to become who we have to be. Depending on the situation, a person’s tone is enough to send a shiver down someone’s spine. Depending on where your thoughts wander, that is either good or bad, from your perspective. Words shape us to be who we are, some take it unto themselves to be a reflection of who they are on someone else’s mirror; while others reel in their desires to be invisible in the world. The few that run after balance, lose their path and fall in the chasm of disappointment, for there is no middle. Only mistakes and more mistakes.

And yet, even with it’s significant importance in our lives, so little is said about the daily social intercourse we have with each other through words, poetry, literature, music and other things of wonder.

It is perhaps, because of it’s negligence, that we go on to admire people who live life unfiltered, arrogant and overconfident. Growing up, the simple act of talking was painful to bear for the mysterious stranger. Not because he didn’t want to but because of the thought that no one understood him haunted his ever living self. From his perspective, the daily social intercourse between people, was no less than mesmerizing. From his observation, life was but beautifully weaving lives together in ways that he couldn’t comprehend. By his observation, he was but a pawn in the game of life. By others’ observations, he was but the main figure; idolized and transcended, and misunderstood.

A rambling of storms.

The rain drops kept coming and going and yet the storm never stopped. It was strange to see a storm of dust soon get replaced with one of water and then of cool breeze. A blink of an eye is all you needed to miss the transitions that came in waves. Life seemed to be a similar metaphor, a relentless storm ever changing its shape. Uncaring and unfair.

Some days seem all too familiar. A gentle touch of the cold breeze is all you need to reminiscent. The days when long walks didn’t seem as dreadful or when life still seemed like a child’s sandbox, with its intricate ability to create dreams and foster them.

Source: pinterest.com/pin/556476097688645951/

It’s been a while since those days. But it still feels as if life started this morning when I woke up. As the clock tick tocks, life moves ahead slowly despite our unwillingness. The different faces crowd the streets in the morning only for them to fade away at night. From our perspective, it’s unnatural. And yet, we play along. Like a theater drama where everyone knows that they’re in it and yet, blissfully unaware infront of the audience, the people they care about. –  In theater,  blissful ignorance is a skill; in life however, the same can be called out to be a terrible flaw.

What’s the point of all this I wonder, if there even is one to begin with. Maybe if life was as clear about itself as it is with everything it presents us with, maybe it wouldn’t be as novel to be alive. Maybe the curiosity of the answer along with the inability to achieve it is what keeps us going. Maybe it’s a different reason each time. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe sometimes life, just like the rain storm with little water, is just meant to be enjoyed at leisure.

Source: pinterest.com/pin/160440805445732769

Even if expectations never seem to get met, maybe it’s good to appreciate the breeze than it not being there in the first place. If storms should teach us anything in life, it’s that maybe in life, not everything is meant to be controlled. And every opportunity can be that of good or bad depending on what we decide to do with it, and how we see it.

Survival

Changing. Adapting. Unlearning old things.

In a world where survival of the fittest is a very real thing, ‘fittest’ for the average human being in the modern day world, only till a certain extent, meant the shell that embraced his being.

Survival for us, it seems, was based a lot more on the ability to adapt to situations, change when the need requires you to and erasing certain parts of your past, in order to move ahead. It’s like cleaning wounds, it’ll always hurt but sometimes, the pain we feel now is necessary so that we won’t grow up broken with a disease that just grows with us and breaks us even further.

Credit for above art: Pinterest.com

But sometimes, analogies don’t do some situations any justice. Sometimes, it’s up-to us to see certain things for the individual uniqueness they might be. Sometimes, the change we have to endure is more than just a simple painful process, maybe even a psychological one. Sometimes, the ability to adapt, means that you’ve to sacrifice a lot more than you gain, because situations demand so. Sometimes, unlearning things mean forgetting the past that you held so dearly till only a few months ago, and in a way, letting go of who you were till then.

We’ve all grown up with mistakes and learnt our best lessons from failure, yet we make an environment where failure is the last straw. What are so we afraid of today really, if not of the failure to be what we are?

 

Credit for above art + featured cover art: Picolo-kun

We live in a world of paradoxes. Like pandora’s box, we search for a truth where there exists none. We stare at reality with our perspective lenses, willing to believe that there’s a validation in the world which will tell us what the right thing to do is. We have grown up in a world where we’re afraid to make our own road if there exists none, and in a way, have lost ourselves in someone else’s path and in someone else’s search for the truth they believe in.

But why is it that we’re never given a chance to stay. Stop. And just stare.